A Pocket Guide From A-Z for Men About Women

This is a book idea I have. Obviously, it would start at the letter "A" and end with "Z." Most men have NO CLUE about women and our many complex layers. We are a total mystery...especially when it deals with the names of things...makeup, articles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. For example, a friend of mine told me about a time when she expressed to her boyfriend her reluctance about going out that night because her hair needed shampooing. He was totally serious with this response..."Can't you just put your hair up in buns or something?" "Buns?" Princess Leia, indeed!

This is just an excerpt and a rough draft with many edits and revisions ahead. I want your opinion, please. I decided to share this with you today in honor of "The Purple One" and his concert tonight! Prince is the master of being masculine with attention to feminine details!!!!






A-     Assumptions...We've all heard the old saying, "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." So true, so true. Gentlemen, please don't assume things in regards to women. Tell her what you're thinking. Ask her what she's thinking. Communicate with her. She will open up. One of my favorite cartoons goes something like this...a man and a woman in a car going somewhere. The bubble over her head says...I wonder why he's being so quiet. He's never this quiet. I bet he wants to break up with me. He probably hates my hair. Why did I get it cut? The bubble over his head says...What is that noise? I hope it's not the radiator. I really don't have the money to get it fixed. I guess I'll take it in tomorrow and have it looked at. Classic!
          Aesthetician- a worker skilled in giving beauty treatments such as manicures/pedicures, facials, waxing, etc.- DO NOT question a woman about her frequent trips to see her aesthetician!!!!!!!! The alternative would SCAR you for life. Hair removal and blackhead extraction is not for the faint of heart. Do you think she would choose this if it wasn't necessary? Money spent for these services is money well spent.
         Anthem- Girls like their "anthems." This would be any song that celebrates "Sister/Girl Power" which in layman's terms means a song about strong women conquering/surviving evil men and the bad relationships that ensue. I'm sure you guys don't fall under this category because hey, this is a book about knowing more about women. Some examples of our typical anthems are "I Will Survive," "We Are Family," "No Scrubs," "Irreplaceable," "Dancing Queen," etc. When you are faced with these songs at a wedding, night club or party, just stand back and enjoy the view! Girls dancing with girlfriends are way less self-conscious than when they're dancing with you.
         Adore by Prince- Sexiest song EVER! Even if you're not a Prince fan, this will create a mood. Dim the lights and ask her to dance. Try to stay with the beat. Guys, this is a test! In her mind this determines what sex will be like later. (Why do you think women go CRAZY over musicians? They keep perfect rhythm. And if they play an instrument...drums, sax, guitar...like nobody's business, guess what else they will give 100% to? Hahaha
   
B-     Bandeau- a band of material covering the breasts, as a strapless bikini top- Women love these bikini tops because they don't have strap marks when they tan. There is nothing tackier than a woman in a strapless dress with big, white strap marks.
         Barter- to trade goods or services without trading money- Women can be persuaded if the deal is sweet enough. For example, if you would like a back rub or something else, offer to do the dishes or something for her she doesn't like to do. It can be very lucrative for you and her, but a lot depends on how you approach things.
        Bob- a short haircut usually cut chin length in front and shorter in the back- You fellas LOVE some really long hair, but many of you fail to realize how much work long hair can be. A bob is a fresh, hip alternative to Crystal Gayle hair.
        By Your Side by Sade- SADE...do I need to say more?

C-     Compliments...Giving a woman a genuine compliment is always appreciated, but like anything else, too much of a good thing (except shoes) isn't a good thing. Being cheesy or saying something sleazy is NEVER cool. Simple is best. Take it from Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts said, "You're late." He said, "You're stunning." She said, "You're forgiven." There you have it.
          Carnation- a white, pink or red flower- In other words, it's a CHEAP flower. Guys, don't even waste your money. It's something you buy out of a bucket from the student council on Valentine's Day in high school to put in someone's locker. This flower says to a woman...You don't rate very high in my book! Believe me, you don't have to spend a fortune on dozens of roses. A single rose, a bunch of tulips, or a vase of wildflowers you picked yourself will work. The presentation and the spirit of how you give them makes all the difference in the world. Just take my word for it. Carnations will not be well received by a large majority of women. Which leads to your next word!
          Cheap- being stingy- I know you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself...I am not made of money. Well, worry no more! I am not suggesting you roll out a fat wad of cash on every date. I am suggesting; however, that you refrain from being a cheapskate. If money is an issue, then you will have to be creative. (Nothing wrong with that!) Cheap is complaining at the movie ticket counter that you forgot your 2 for 1 coupon. (This actually happened to me.) Cheap is asking a girl to pay for dinner, movie or activity when you were the one to ask her out. Cheap is buying half a bike for someone's birthday. Yes, our former Governor is guilty of this among other things! Jenny, I would have whipped his ass with that "gift certificate"! Cheap is anything that makes a woman feel like she isn't valued.
          Couture- the business of designing, making and selling highly fashionable and usually custom-made clothing for women- Are you saying to yourself? I can just skip this one. My girlfriend/wife shops at Steinmart so why should I care. You should care because she cares. Most women can't afford couture, BUT they can copy the trends by browsing magazines and reading the tabloids. Kiss your Fashionista, wish her well and thank her for shopping at Steinmart. Then when you see that email confirmation that her order has been shipped from Saks, close your eyes, say a little prayer and forget about it!
          Cry to Me by Soloman Burke- Do you remember the Patrick Swayze/Jennifer Grey sex scene in "Dirty Dancing"? Well, there you go! This song is old but a classic! Hit the "play" button, grab that girl and slow jam!!!!!

D-      Discount- When a woman rushes through the door flushed, breathless and smiling, just know she's NOT having an affair...usually! She's just gotten "a deal" in the heavenly realm of shopping. Contrary to what you may believe, women LOVE to save money. In our minds, we think that by saving money with one purchase, it means we can spend it somewhere else. Sick and twisted, I know, but true! Where's the tip/guiding words, you ask? If your girlfriend/wife/girl friend gushes about saving a bundle on a handbag, pair of shoes, or article of clothing (and you know the checking account hasn't been overdrawn), give her eye contact (important), smile and say..."That's awesome! Will you model it?" I guarantee you a happy ending!!!!! Isn't that why you're reading this book?
          Distant- far apart in a relationship- Women tend to act distant with men for the following reasons...1. They aren't interested in you anymore. 2.  They are mad but instead of blurting out why, they want to punish you. 3. They are mad but don't have the energy to fight. 4. They are mad but want you to pull why they're mad out of them, little by little. (No woman wants to be labeled as a nagger.) 5. They are mad but don't really know how to address the problem...especially if this problem has to do with a family member, roommate, co-worker or friend. These are all filed under "touchy" subjects! She may be trying to spare you some grief. Bottom line:  Ask her what's wrong, but read her body language. You'll be able to tell by how she answers as to whether or not you should go any further.
          Doo- slang term for a woman's hairstyle- Her "doo" is top priority and to be taken seriously. Our hair stylists are like family except closer. These relationships are important and life-altering. Get to know a woman's hairdresser. It can't hurt. Sometimes they can help you look better. Unlike barbers that memorize what number razor you like, hairdressers look at the shape of your face, your hair type and body style. They can recommend a flattering cut and many times, fit you in at any time because color and highlights for women take hours from start to finish. While a client is under the dryer, this member-of-the-family/hair stylist can work on your "doo."
          "Deloris"- this is code word for something else that doesn't start with a "D"- If you haven't seen that Seinfeld episode, google it or watch it on Youtube. I'll just say this. The word rhymes with "Deloris" and is a part of a woman's anatomy. Get to know "Deloris." Read about her. Do some research. Get prepared. You will reap the benefits...ten-fold!
          Don't Make Me Wait for Love by Kenny G- Remember what I said about musicians? Even though Soundgarden might be your personal favorite, aquaint yourself with musicians such as Kenny G. Just the simple fact that you've gone out of your comfort zone will give you bonus points. Soundgarden is optimal to head bang to, but Kenny G will set the tone for romance. "Don't Make Me Wait for Love" won't disappoint. I promise.