A Pocket Guide From A-Z for Men About Women

This is a book idea I have. Obviously, it would start at the letter "A" and end with "Z." Most men have NO CLUE about women and our many complex layers. We are a total mystery...especially when it deals with the names of things...makeup, articles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. For example, a friend of mine told me about a time when she expressed to her boyfriend her reluctance about going out that night because her hair needed shampooing. He was totally serious with this response..."Can't you just put your hair up in buns or something?" "Buns?" Princess Leia, indeed!

This is just an excerpt and a rough draft with many edits and revisions ahead. I want your opinion, please. I decided to share this with you today in honor of "The Purple One" and his concert tonight! Prince is the master of being masculine with attention to feminine details!!!!






A-     Assumptions...We've all heard the old saying, "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." So true, so true. Gentlemen, please don't assume things in regards to women. Tell her what you're thinking. Ask her what she's thinking. Communicate with her. She will open up. One of my favorite cartoons goes something like this...a man and a woman in a car going somewhere. The bubble over her head says...I wonder why he's being so quiet. He's never this quiet. I bet he wants to break up with me. He probably hates my hair. Why did I get it cut? The bubble over his head says...What is that noise? I hope it's not the radiator. I really don't have the money to get it fixed. I guess I'll take it in tomorrow and have it looked at. Classic!
          Aesthetician- a worker skilled in giving beauty treatments such as manicures/pedicures, facials, waxing, etc.- DO NOT question a woman about her frequent trips to see her aesthetician!!!!!!!! The alternative would SCAR you for life. Hair removal and blackhead extraction is not for the faint of heart. Do you think she would choose this if it wasn't necessary? Money spent for these services is money well spent.
         Anthem- Girls like their "anthems." This would be any song that celebrates "Sister/Girl Power" which in layman's terms means a song about strong women conquering/surviving evil men and the bad relationships that ensue. I'm sure you guys don't fall under this category because hey, this is a book about knowing more about women. Some examples of our typical anthems are "I Will Survive," "We Are Family," "No Scrubs," "Irreplaceable," "Dancing Queen," etc. When you are faced with these songs at a wedding, night club or party, just stand back and enjoy the view! Girls dancing with girlfriends are way less self-conscious than when they're dancing with you.
         Adore by Prince- Sexiest song EVER! Even if you're not a Prince fan, this will create a mood. Dim the lights and ask her to dance. Try to stay with the beat. Guys, this is a test! In her mind this determines what sex will be like later. (Why do you think women go CRAZY over musicians? They keep perfect rhythm. And if they play an instrument...drums, sax, guitar...like nobody's business, guess what else they will give 100% to? Hahaha
   
B-     Bandeau- a band of material covering the breasts, as a strapless bikini top- Women love these bikini tops because they don't have strap marks when they tan. There is nothing tackier than a woman in a strapless dress with big, white strap marks.
         Barter- to trade goods or services without trading money- Women can be persuaded if the deal is sweet enough. For example, if you would like a back rub or something else, offer to do the dishes or something for her she doesn't like to do. It can be very lucrative for you and her, but a lot depends on how you approach things.
        Bob- a short haircut usually cut chin length in front and shorter in the back- You fellas LOVE some really long hair, but many of you fail to realize how much work long hair can be. A bob is a fresh, hip alternative to Crystal Gayle hair.
        By Your Side by Sade- SADE...do I need to say more?

C-     Compliments...Giving a woman a genuine compliment is always appreciated, but like anything else, too much of a good thing (except shoes) isn't a good thing. Being cheesy or saying something sleazy is NEVER cool. Simple is best. Take it from Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts said, "You're late." He said, "You're stunning." She said, "You're forgiven." There you have it.
          Carnation- a white, pink or red flower- In other words, it's a CHEAP flower. Guys, don't even waste your money. It's something you buy out of a bucket from the student council on Valentine's Day in high school to put in someone's locker. This flower says to a woman...You don't rate very high in my book! Believe me, you don't have to spend a fortune on dozens of roses. A single rose, a bunch of tulips, or a vase of wildflowers you picked yourself will work. The presentation and the spirit of how you give them makes all the difference in the world. Just take my word for it. Carnations will not be well received by a large majority of women. Which leads to your next word!
          Cheap- being stingy- I know you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself...I am not made of money. Well, worry no more! I am not suggesting you roll out a fat wad of cash on every date. I am suggesting; however, that you refrain from being a cheapskate. If money is an issue, then you will have to be creative. (Nothing wrong with that!) Cheap is complaining at the movie ticket counter that you forgot your 2 for 1 coupon. (This actually happened to me.) Cheap is asking a girl to pay for dinner, movie or activity when you were the one to ask her out. Cheap is buying half a bike for someone's birthday. Yes, our former Governor is guilty of this among other things! Jenny, I would have whipped his ass with that "gift certificate"! Cheap is anything that makes a woman feel like she isn't valued.
          Couture- the business of designing, making and selling highly fashionable and usually custom-made clothing for women- Are you saying to yourself? I can just skip this one. My girlfriend/wife shops at Steinmart so why should I care. You should care because she cares. Most women can't afford couture, BUT they can copy the trends by browsing magazines and reading the tabloids. Kiss your Fashionista, wish her well and thank her for shopping at Steinmart. Then when you see that email confirmation that her order has been shipped from Saks, close your eyes, say a little prayer and forget about it!
          Cry to Me by Soloman Burke- Do you remember the Patrick Swayze/Jennifer Grey sex scene in "Dirty Dancing"? Well, there you go! This song is old but a classic! Hit the "play" button, grab that girl and slow jam!!!!!

D-      Discount- When a woman rushes through the door flushed, breathless and smiling, just know she's NOT having an affair...usually! She's just gotten "a deal" in the heavenly realm of shopping. Contrary to what you may believe, women LOVE to save money. In our minds, we think that by saving money with one purchase, it means we can spend it somewhere else. Sick and twisted, I know, but true! Where's the tip/guiding words, you ask? If your girlfriend/wife/girl friend gushes about saving a bundle on a handbag, pair of shoes, or article of clothing (and you know the checking account hasn't been overdrawn), give her eye contact (important), smile and say..."That's awesome! Will you model it?" I guarantee you a happy ending!!!!! Isn't that why you're reading this book?
          Distant- far apart in a relationship- Women tend to act distant with men for the following reasons...1. They aren't interested in you anymore. 2.  They are mad but instead of blurting out why, they want to punish you. 3. They are mad but don't have the energy to fight. 4. They are mad but want you to pull why they're mad out of them, little by little. (No woman wants to be labeled as a nagger.) 5. They are mad but don't really know how to address the problem...especially if this problem has to do with a family member, roommate, co-worker or friend. These are all filed under "touchy" subjects! She may be trying to spare you some grief. Bottom line:  Ask her what's wrong, but read her body language. You'll be able to tell by how she answers as to whether or not you should go any further.
          Doo- slang term for a woman's hairstyle- Her "doo" is top priority and to be taken seriously. Our hair stylists are like family except closer. These relationships are important and life-altering. Get to know a woman's hairdresser. It can't hurt. Sometimes they can help you look better. Unlike barbers that memorize what number razor you like, hairdressers look at the shape of your face, your hair type and body style. They can recommend a flattering cut and many times, fit you in at any time because color and highlights for women take hours from start to finish. While a client is under the dryer, this member-of-the-family/hair stylist can work on your "doo."
          "Deloris"- this is code word for something else that doesn't start with a "D"- If you haven't seen that Seinfeld episode, google it or watch it on Youtube. I'll just say this. The word rhymes with "Deloris" and is a part of a woman's anatomy. Get to know "Deloris." Read about her. Do some research. Get prepared. You will reap the benefits...ten-fold!
          Don't Make Me Wait for Love by Kenny G- Remember what I said about musicians? Even though Soundgarden might be your personal favorite, aquaint yourself with musicians such as Kenny G. Just the simple fact that you've gone out of your comfort zone will give you bonus points. Soundgarden is optimal to head bang to, but Kenny G will set the tone for romance. "Don't Make Me Wait for Love" won't disappoint. I promise.
                

     

The Potato Ear Caper

OK..OK...some of you have responded to my last post with not-so-nice comments about your spouses. And as I was running with my buddy the other morning, she was surprised to hear that my spouse and I do have spats. She said, "It is so good to hear this. I didn't think John and Melanie had fights." Well, my dear friends, we do, indeed, have arguments...not often...but when we do. That's why I've decided to share about a particular blowout we had during one of the most stressful times in our marriage, the infant stage of our son's life. Neither before or since have our fights been this dramatic, but it sure makes a damn good story.

John DID NOT help me at all during the infant stage of Miller's life. Period. He treated me like a queen and was the best dad otherwise. When I say "help", I mean feeding, changing, preparing bags and bottles, washing clothes, etc. He just never stepped up. I taught school full-time and did everything. Don't get me wrong. He wasn't just sitting around. We owned and operated a successful concrete curbing business that he ran like an ace. His work was never finished. After arriving at home late in the evenings, he usually burned the midnight oil doing payroll, filing taxes, writing estimates and bidding jobs. Our lives were wide open going 100 mph.

Needless to say, there was a mountain of resentment on my end and a mountain of resentment over my resentment on his.

Miller was finally at the "sleeping through most nights" stage and was asleep in his crib. John and I sat down to a late takeout dinner from our local diner. I actually don't remember what we started arguing over...money, sex, family...had to be one of the Big Three.  I do remember it escalated and we were yelling back and forth across the huge bar in our kitchen as we weren't seated at our dining table. He was seated on one side of the bar nearest our living room and I was seated on the other side in the middle of the kitchen. (Stay with me. This is relevant to the story.)

I also need to go back to my childhood before I can go forward with this. My parents had a rocky relationship...horrible, screaming fights that my sister and I grew up listening to. Other than that we had a wonderful childhood, but I made a vow that I would NEVER allow someone to treat me the same way or endure such a crazy, unstable relationship.

Now, back to our story...

I said something to John and whatever it was sent him into orbit. He had his fork in his hand at the time. With his eyes bugged out and the veins in his neck bulging, he yelled something at me and stabbed his fork violently down into the white, styrofoam takeout container. OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had flashbacks from childhood. My adrenaline skyrocketed to 5000. My ears buzzed and I saw stars. I CAME UNGLUED!

Simultaneously I let go a string of cuss words and swears to make any Marine blush while throwing my white, styrofoam takeout container across the bar and at his head! I hit my mark, too. Baked potato, salad and steak pieces went flying. Like a cat ready to pounce, I stretched myself across the bar with my finger shakily pointing and said...DON'T YOU EVER...EVER...DARE TREAT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN! @#%#@#$$^&^%%$#

With eyes wide from shock, John bent down and started cleaning up the mess. I still have this visual of him on his hands and knees scraping up bits of lettuce off the back of our sofa. Not a word was spoken for a few minutes.

Then...DING-DONG...the doorbell. (I am not lying.)

It was a dear family friend and my old Sunday school teacher keeping his appointment with us about a life insurance policy on Miller. What timing! We sat at the same bar where just minutes before all hell had broken loose. Mr. Paul spread out all the necessary paperwork and started explaining the policy we had chosen when I noticed. John was sitting across from me listening intently and asking questions with an ear FULL of baked potato. Whoops! I tried not to bust out laughing! I truly wondered if Mr. Paul saw it. Honestly, there was no way he couldn't have. It was THAT bad.

A half hour later John and I waved our guest goodbye arm-in-arm from our front porch. As we walked through the door of our happy home, I said, "You might want to remove the potato from your ear." He reached up to see if it was true and we both laughed so hard we had tears streaming. Our fight was over.

But, the tine marks from the fork were still in the formica and the memory of flying food kept us mindful! Never again have we treated each other quite that way.

I love that man...even with an earful of baked potato!

Because You Loved Me- Part II

It's been awhile since I've written. Yes, I know. But we moved and I've been trapped under a mountain of boxes. Anway, I'm back.

I am in the process of writing a long entry about my husband and how we met but as I thought more about it, I needed to post THIS entry after my last entry, "Because You Loved Me."  It is short and sweet with an emphasis on sweet!


My husband makes my dreams come true...literally! About five years ago a few weeks before our 10th anniversary, John walked into our bathroom where I was relaxing in the tub.

"I know we said we weren't going to do anything for one another on our anniversary since we're going to Colorado in January, but I couldn't let our 10th roll by without doing special something for you. You're my queen and best friend. I love you more than anything in the entire world." And he handed me a white envelope.

Tucked inside was a reservation confirmation to the Bellagio for 3 nights and two front row tickets to see Celine Dion in concert at Caesar's Palace. We were going to Vegas!!!! It goes without saying I cried a bucket of tears...tears of happiness for this priceless gift and tears of gratitude for being able to share my life with this man who not only knew the desires of my heart but found a way to make those desires a reality.

He said, "I was going to surprise you, but I know how you love getting ready for a trip almost as much as you like going on the trip." He was right, but unlike other trips, I felt this trip was another connection to my mom. He knew better than anyone how strongly I felt about seeing Celine in concert and specifically hearing her sing "Because You Loved Me."  I could barely wait. Something in my heart just knew that when I heard Celine sing it, the stars would align and the broken part inside me would be filled with peace.

After a horrible plane ride where we were separated and a spine-tingling taxi trip through rush hour traffic, we rolled up to the Bellagio. Any stress we may have felt was instantly erased when we walked through the doors of the Bellagio and into our room. We called it the "Fifty Yard Line" room because we were dead center for the fountain show taking place outside. Our bellman turned on the tv so we could hear the same music playing for the fountain show but from the privacy of our suite. Everything in these luxurious rooms were controlled by a panel of buttons. Could I live here permanently in this five star paradise?

Wonderful meals, cocktails, gambling, shopping, Cirque du Soleil "O", and a visit to a drive-thru wedding chapel where we renewed our vows kept us busy until the big night. Before I knew it, we were walking through the door at Caesar's Palace and into the theater they built just for Celine. I had to keep pinching myself. Was this really happening? The kind usher escorted us to our seats. I was beyond excited about being in the front row, but I wasn't prepared for truly how close we really would be. The stage itself bumped against my knees when we sat down. To my right...and I mean literally sitting by my right side... sat some of her featured musicians... picture the flute player for "My Heart Will Go On" and backup singers. WHAT?

The lights dimmed and the show started. It was magical. It was amazing. I had goosebumps. It was beyond my wildest dreams. "Because You Loved Me" was the second song she sang. (The video I added from my previous post could have been when I was there. Where her backup singer is to the right is where we were.) She was so close I could see her eyelashes. Tears poured like rain from my eyes...just another song for Celine but a life-altering moment for me. My crumpled heart unfolded and filled until it felt like it would burst! In the semi-darkness I looked over at my soulmate. He also had tears streaming. I felt his hand holding mine and the strength of our love for each other. The words to the song took on another meaning in that second.

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was
Loved by you.

I am everything I am because John loves me.